The fic in which Sam bleeds on Jack
by Floopygirl
Summary: Challenge fic. Sam's suffering from PMT, chaos ensues, S and J lurve each other very much.


Title: The fic in which Sam bleeds on Jack and Teal'c sings Jingle Bells.

Rating: 13+

Pairing: S/J

Spoilers: none

Classifications: Humour/romance. With maybe just a tiny bit of parody.

Disclaimer: not mine

A/N: This was written in response to a challenge set by Jaka. It had to include the following:

Sam having her period  
- no pain pills in sight  
- Jack helps her  
- J&S sharing sleeping bag (too cold, had to put 2 together, or some  
other reason), her period blood on him  
- shrubbery  
- Teal'c singing a christmas song  
- mention of a Texas pizza with banana toppings  
- S&J must be really romantically involved at the end.

This should be obvious, but THIS FIC CONTAINS REFERENCES TO MENSTRUATION. Do not read if this squicks you out.

* * *

SG-1 were wandering along through an amazing forest of purple shrubbery, and the weather was so beautiful that Sam had to resist skipping. She'd learnt that skipping in combat boots never worked, after the last five times she'd ended up flat on her face. Looking round at her (faithful) companions, she saw that Daniel was looking particularly relaxed, probably because he hadn't had a cup of coffee for, oh, four hours now. Wow, she could really do with a cup herself.

Suddenly all her feelings of well-being disappeared, like vultures deserting a rotting carcass at the approach of a man with a gun. Her abdomen seized up, she felt nauseous and a wave of dizziness swept over her: she had cramps! Suddenly everything seemed dark and gloomy, even in the glaring sunshine, and she wanted to burst into tears. The whole planet hated her, and that shade of purple was just obscenely bright. No!

She grabbed her commanding officer's shoulder and shook him, filled with the righteous rage of a pre-menstrual woman. "Sir, we need to stop!"

He looked at her, deeply concerned by her uncharacteristic behaviour. "Sam, are you alright?" He lifted a hand to stroke her cheek but she pulled away – having her period made her horny and being in contact with him was Not good. Nonono.

Daniel and Teal'c had also stopped but were looking away, not wanting to interrupt such a tender moment.

"I need painkillers!" The desperation in her voice was clear to all of them. "Now!"

Jack looked at her in concern. (He was still very concerned, he's sweet that way.) "OK, who's got the med-pack."

Daniel raised a sheepish hand. "I do, but..."

"But..." Sam's eyes narrowed dangerously, like a queen cobra who'd just discovered someone had stolen all her chocolate bars. "Daniel!"

The words came flying out in a rush. "But I wanted to bring a few books and there wasn't enough room for everything in my pack, so I took out most of the painkillers. I had to take the remaining ones to dull the pain of the headache I have because of caffeine-withdrawal!"

Aw crap. Jack knew this was going to be bad. "Sam..."

A primal roar came from deep in her throat and she leapt for Daniel, hands outstretched towards his neck. Unfortunately she was still wearing her heavy pack, so she missed but grabbed his ankles instead and started tugging on them. Daniel fell down heavily onto the ground and Jack watched the two as they wrestled together. Hey, this was kind of a turn-on! Still, it was wrong, deeply wrong, and he had to stop it.

"Hey guys. Stop it now, okay?"

Sam grabbed Daniel's hair and started grinding his face into the dirt. Jack winced: there went another pair of glasses.

"Guys..." He turned to Teal'c – he didn't want to go anywhere near them. "Teal'c, could you separate them for me?"

Teal'c nodded grimly and forced the two scientists apart. He held Major Carter firmly as she panted and struggled against his grip of steel, while Danny boy fled to hide behind Jack.

"Daniel Jackson, on Chulak a woman would be in her rights to kill you for such treacherous behaviour as this."

Daniel whimpered, but Sam hogged all the limelight by bursting into tears. Teal'c released her at once and she turned around to hug him, clinging to his muscled chest. "Teal'c... you understand..." The words were difficult to make out through all her sniveling, but the overall gist was clear. Jack felt the gut-clenching pull of acid jealousy: she was supposed to run to him for help, not Teal'c.

"Sam baby." She turned around and he had to gasp at the sight of her. Red eyes, pale cheeks, nose that needed blowing – she was so hot!

"Look, I know a few... techniques that might be able to help you." He knew that from her behaviour she had to be pre-menstrual – nothing else would explain the transformation of the cute, adorable woman he loved into this she-demon. An incredibly hot she-demon, but still.

Teal'c glared at him suspiciously, and he hastily added, "Using pressure points, that sort of thing. It's dark now." Indeed, the sky had conveniently darkened while they'd been speaking. "We'll set up base camp and I'll try a few things out on you." He cleared his throat. "Pressure point stuff, yup."

So the three men set up camp while Sam sat on a tree log and sniffed mutinously. Daniel had given her all his chocolate and she'd accepted with the air of a aggrieved duchess, but she was still refusing to talk to him. Finally, they were done.

Jack looked at Teal'c. "I think it's best if I share a tent with Carter tonight," he said. "She doesn't need to be near Daniel, not after what he did."

Teal'c bowed his head. "Indeed. I feel this would be best, O'Neill."

Jack walked over to Sam, carefully. "Sam, how about we try that massage now."

She looked at him uncertainly. She was _so_ horny – what if she lost control and just jumped him? He stared back, and she saw all the love of the ages shining in his tree-bark brown eyes. This would be okay. He wouldn't let her do anything she'd regret, because he lurved her.

"OK," she shyly agreed, staring down at the ground with her best Bambi impression. Jack could hardly stop himself from proclaiming his love and respect for her – she was so amazing, getting through this each month.

"Come on then." He took her hand and they walked into their tent together.

Jack suddenly felt a little awkward. "Um, you need to take your boots off." She went one (two three) better, removing boots, socks, BDU jacket and black T-shirt and revealing that tank-top that made his eyes cross. Well, it probably wasn't the same one but:

"Gah!"

Sam looked him impatiently – the tears had gone and she was back on the rage wash of her ever changing mood-cycle. "Are you going to start this or not?"

He cleared his throat. "Sorry." He took one of his ankles in one hand, marveling at her delicate painted toe nails. "Purple is obviously your colour."

She simpered. "I know."

Then he dug his fingers into a spot above her instep and she yelped. "Jack, that hurts!"

Tears came to his eyes for having to cause her so much pain. He'd set a broken bone or two in the field before, but this was somehow worse. "Sam, it'll be okay. You have to trust me." He paused, holding his breath until he thought he'd expire from lack of oxygen and then sucking more air in. "Do you trust me, Sam? Do you?"

Her cornflower blue eyes stared into his. "Of course I do, Jack. You must know that, after everything we've been through together."

He dug his thumb in harder and she winced. "Sam, I love you."

She blushed, turning the colour of a beetroot, a pound of raspberries and a pint of pig's blood all blended together. "Jack, I love you too."

They gazed adoringly at each other, but then he got to work. She yelped and whined, but he was determined to relieve her pain. After twenty or so minutes had passed (Jack checked on his wrist-watch) he thought that maybe he'd done enough.

"Did that help?" he asked.

Sam bit her lip. "The cramps aren't as bad, but it still hurts."

She looked so sad and sorrowful that he had to suggest it. "Samantha, my love, there's a pressure point in the small of your back that's more effective. Do you mind if I try rubbing it?" That didn't sound at all dodgy. No.

She turned on him as if he were being ridiculous. "Jack, how many times do I have to say it? I love you, I trust you, of course I don't mind!" With that she pulled off her pants, revealing that she was only wearing a lacy black thong underneath. Jack thought his head would explode. He opened his mouth and nothing came out. Except drool, that is.

Sam smiled sweetly. "I knew you were always imagining my underwear on all those boring away missions. I just wanted to know that you'd see something good if you ever sneaked a peek."

"Wow!" She was totally the gr8est!

She lay down on her front, so that her peach-like ass cheeks were staring right at him. All he could do was stare back. "Come on Jack, this hurts!"

Remembering that she was in pain, he was galvanised into action. He pressed down hard into the area just above her thong, knowing how much it would hurt, but determined to do the right thing. Her soft moans filled the air. He found them incredibly arousing, but forced himself to stay focused on his task. Finally, he thought he was done.

"Is that better?" She scooted into a sitting position, pressing one hand gently into her abdomen. Her face brightened. "Yes, yes, it is!" She threw himself into his arms, and he could only hug her back. "Jack, you're amazing! You're the most amazing man ever and I want to give myself to you tonight!"

It was as if all his fantasies had come true at once... wait. There was one catch here. He drew back, staring into her eyes. (Again. Because it never got boring.) "Sam, your period!"

She blushed. "Oh. Well, it hasn't actually started yet – I've just got cramps so far – but you're probably right, it's not a great idea." She looked crestfallen, but then brightened up. "Can we share a sleeping bag tonight as a token of our love?"

Anything for her, even if it meant staying awake all night in a state of uncomfortable tumescence. "Of course my love, of course." They climbed into his sleeping bag together, legs tangled together, and Sam immediately fell asleep, safe in his tight embrace. Jack stayed awake a lot longer, listening to the sweet snuffles she made while sleeping.

They were woken by an ungodly sound. Jack ran a hand through his hair impatiently. What the hell?

"Make it stop," the sleeping blonde in his arms pleaded. Whilst being asleep. Jack smiled: anything for his baby. He climbed out and emerged the tent, only to be faced with a terrifying sight. Teal'c was prancing round in his underwear and a cowboy hat he must have sneaked along somehow, using a packet of MREs as an improvised microphone, and singing... Jingle Bells?

"Teal'c, what the hell are you doing?" he bellowed.

The jaffa stopped mid-chorus and glared at him. "Look, how the hell else am I supposed to fulfill my part of this ridiculous challenge?" he demanded. Jack could see his point.

He realised that Daniel was staring at him in horror. "Uh, Jack." Daniel was staring at his groin. Not entirely unpleasant, though a little unusual – but wait! He'd come out before his morning boner had subsided. Aw hell.

"Daniel, it's not as if you've never seen a morning erection before," he snapped.

Daniel shook his head. "No it isn't, but that's not my point." Jack was forced to look downwards and... OMG. He hadn't been this disgusted since the last time he saw Teal'c eating a Texas pizza with banana and anchovy toppings.

"Sam!" He stormed back into their tent.

She looked so cute and sleep-tousled that he just wanted to grab her and shag her senseless – or he would have in other circumstances.

"What?" she asked, a little put-out that he was talking to her and not bringing her to climax with his toe-nails.

He pointed at the tented bulge in his underwear. "That's what!"

Her eyes widened in an expression of interest, and then she saw it. The small bloodstains decorating his boxers.

"I'm so sorry!" She burst into tears.

He wasn't falling for that this time. "Did you forget something last night?" How could she do this to him – in front of the guys!

She cried harder. "It's because I hadn't started... and then I was going to fix it before I went to sleep... but you took the cramps away and we were cuddling, and then I forgot and fell asleep."

His face softened. Traumatic as this was, it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't so damn good with his hands. She wasn't to blame – how could she be expected to use a tampon, even if she was in her thirties and hopefully used to dealing with these things?

"Sam, don't cry. I understand how it happened, and it's not your fault."

She continued to weep, so he pulled out the big guns. "Sam, I love you and I want to have your babies. I'll resign so that we can be together, anything, just please stop crying. I can't bear it when you cry."

Her tears stopped immediately. "You want to have my babies?"

He knew that his cheek-splitting grin was wider than hers. "I want to have your babies."

She threw herself onto him, pressing sloppy kisses all over his face. "OMG, we're going to have babies!"

She grabbed his hand and pulled him outside, so they could tell Teal'c and Daniel. Not that they had heard through the thin material of the tent, of course.

"Jack's resigning and we're going to have babies!"

Daniel and Teal'c cheered, doing their best to hide their disappointment. After all, the whole point of SG-1 was for Sam and Jack to get together and have babies. Once the pair had done that... well, no one would be interested in them anymore. There would be no more traveling to far-off planets... It was over.

Sam stared adoringly at her man, the man who loved her, the man who was going to impregnate her. "Can we start getting me pregnant now?"

He kissed the top of her head fondly: she was such a dumb blonde. "Sam sweetie, you're not exactly at your most fertile right now, remember?"

She pouted, cutely. Because she was cute. She was a sweet, cute little package of cuddlesome joy. "Oh yeah."

Jack looked at the others. "But we should pack up, because we're going home now. I'm resigning and Sam and I are together, so there's no need for us to keep exploring all these planets any more. It's over."

Daniel and Teal'c looked at each other sadly. They'd known it.

On the way Sam did let herself skip, regardless of her combat boots. She wasn't going to fall over this time. She was going to get preggers and have lots of itsy bitsy babies, and Jack would look after them all while she went to the salon and got them to give her hair extensions so she could be a girl. Life was perfect, and they would live happily ever after.

The end.


End file.
